I know I’ve been talking about adaptations a lot lately, but ya girl is back on her game of actually watching things, and I’ve been having a hell of a fun time. Thus, this week’s That Artsy Reader Girl topic had me hooked. I am very specifically not going to talk about adaptations that I’m excited for because we all know Shadow & Bone is coming out, and we need a break from trying to figure out how we’re going to survive it. Instead, we’re going to chat about books that I would absolutely perish on sight if they got adapted. Also, I’m not going to include any Shadowhunters books on here, but if Netflix would like to do us all a solid and just adapt everything, that’d be great.

Just, for a second, imagine how truly beautiful The Candle and the Flame by Nafiza Azad would be. It would have to be a TV show, no questions asked, and I’d be totally okay with it expanding a little on the already lush universe. This book could have been 800 pages, and I would have still asked for more. But the imagery, ugh. The food alone would have me on the floor. And there are so many good cliffhanger moments, so this would really work as a regular serial on TV rather than something you could binge on Netflix.

NETFLIX I’M LOOKING AT YOU. Felix Ever After by Kacen Callender needs to be adapted right now so I can watch it 75 times. And that’s just to start, I’ll take a minor break, and then we’ll get back to another 300. Look, I can’t with this book. It might be the best one I’ve read this year. I’d definitely want this as a movie rather than a show, but could it please be a two+ hour movie? I’ll fund it. I’ll figure it out. Give me the longest contemporary ever, I am ready. I want every single scene to be adapted because I need as much Felix in my life as possible.

If you’re surprised to see Emergency Contact by Mary HK Choi on this list, you clearly haven’t been paying attention. This would definitely be the adaptation I would most be nervous about, not just on this list, but in general. I love it so much, and I’m actually terrified about the fake prospect of this being adapted. Maybe I should take it off the list. Nobody needs to know this exists, I can just hang out here in my bubble of rereading it every half year. LOOK, IT MAKES ME CRY AND LAUGH EQUALLY EVERY DAMN TIME. But, really, Netflix should adapt it, give it the same vibe as The Half of It, and get ready for my coffin live stream.

Of all the books on this list, Amberlough by Lara Elena Donnelly scares me the most. I know I literally just tried to take back Emergency Contact, but I actively don’t trust anyone to adapt this. I had so much faith in HBO for a long time that was just completely squashed, and I don’t know if Netflix could do the political vibes in this well enough. Because that’s the thing that stresses me out the most. It’s not really Cyril & Aristide. I think we’re in a good enough climate that their relationship would be adapted fine, but the insanely complex and convoluted storyline? You know what, have Greg Rucka write it & Gina Prince-Bythewood direct it, I think I figured it out.

Okay, but real talk, I trust absolutely no one to adapt any fantasy books ever, but I want to be hopeful here with We Hunt the Flame by Hafash Faizal. It’d have to be a show, obviously, and the casting for Altair is going to be the most controversial because we all just collectively love him too much, but I want to believe this could be adapted well. I don’t want any of its darkness or grittiness removed, either. Let us see Zafira just being so over everything. I want to see her exhausted, pissed off, and ready to cut someone at all times.

Here’s the tea: A Discovery of Witches is fine, but The Physick Book of Deliverance Dane by Katherine Howe is better, and it needs to take the witch crown of adapted shows. I KNOW, it doesn’t have vampires in it, and we need more vampires in the world, but what it does have is one of the most knowledgeable witchy settings. I’m so sick of witch books set on the North Shore when y’all have clearly never been to the North Shore except one time to Salem during Halloween, and Howe writes about Gloucester so vividly that I know exactly what streets she’s talking about. So, like, film it here, too, and let me consult!

Can you even imagine Serpent & Dove by Shelby Mahurin as TV show, though? CAN YOU?? First of all, it would be so sexy, but it would be done right because you bet your bottom dollar it would be directed by a woman. And there’s nothing wrong with it being sexy when it’s done right. Because damn this book gets fiery sometimes, and I want that as much as I want the kickass magic that Lou does. Oh, and the imagery! UGH. This would have to be something you can binge on Netflix because people would just devour it. It would immediately become something that literally everyone was talking about.

I’ve already shouted about Late to the Party by Kelly Quindlen being next summer’s Netflix release, but here we are again! I’m going to keep shouting about it, too, until someone at Netflix finally hears me and is like “oh wait that’s a really good idea” because QUEER FRIENDS HELPING EACH OTHER FIND QUEER LOVE is everything we need and more. Despite the fact that this is short, I think I’d actually like a show for this. Maybe just a mini-one, but it’d be so fun to just fall into this for several hours instead of a couple.

I’m so conflicted on whether I’d like Sorcery of Thorns by Margaret Rogerson to be a mini-series or a movie. I think a mini-series? My problem with fantasy movie adaptations is that they’re never long enough. People are always underestimating us. I will watch seven hours of a single LOTR movie. Give it to me. Thus, I think this’d work really well as a mini-series because there’s so much packed into here that could be developed over a course of ten hours instead of just two. Yeah, I’ve convinced myself, and the only things I will worry about are Elisabeth’s sword and how flouncy Nathaniel’s hair ends up being.

Real talk, I’m actually also putting The Boneless Mercies in this desire to have Seven Endless Forests by April Genevieve Tucholke adapted, and each new season should just be another incredible book in this universe. They don’t even have to tie in together between seasons. Just little things threaded throughout is fine. I just want to see this universe come to life so bad. And, like, maybe a quick scene about the witch battle that we never get to see because I’d take an entire book set there, thanks very much.

What book are you most terrified to see adapted?